@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

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@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@Trudacious

Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.

@autocorrects

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@Brampersandon_

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

@Huber138

Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure
Me:

@PinkCamoTO

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

@Drytown1

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo