Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

That’s what I call a flat tire