“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Pringles
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
