Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.