Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.