So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
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me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
#oldknees
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Is this you?
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.