So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
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A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
TODAY