So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
sigh
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection