Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.