So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Merry Christmas
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
