Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

learning about math 🧐 📝

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.