So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“A little help here, Danny?”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?