So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft


“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.


[first date]
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon


Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.



I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!


In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.


Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?


“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.