So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.