So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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This week’s mood.
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
the greatest twitter interaction
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
crochet youtube is brutal
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.