Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.