Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Phones down.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.