so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
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If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
The French cow says MEUX…
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.