so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
