so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Buck naked
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
No, YOUR illiterate.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD