I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water