@sadvil

so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year

You Might Also Like

@EndhooS

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

@climaxximus

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

@SirEviscerate

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@mrtimlong

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

ME: Four boxes would be great.

@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.