So creative 😂
You Might Also Like
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.