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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
me, too, girl. me, too.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.