So creative 😂
You Might Also Like
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The news is so predictable nowadays
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
How to walk around a museum