So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
how to have fun when you’re poor
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.