So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Very problematic
Customer is always right
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week