“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Time heals everything 🙂
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either