“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.