so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
the icebreaker
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.