so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.