so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
God has left this place
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers