Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

This anagram machine is out of order.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.