So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
bias laundering edition
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it