Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.