Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Google Pay be like:

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.