Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.