so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?