So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Google assistant rules
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation