So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My dad teaching me to drive
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.