So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.