So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
You Might Also Like
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The sacred texts.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Maths meets science