So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Nothing to do, you say?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.