Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Ah yes. The three genders

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.