So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.