So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Where is your GOD now????
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Waiting for the Charmin