So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Every photo I’m tagged in
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh