Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.