“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.