Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

We’ve come full circle

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.