“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
pat pat
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.