Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

He’s cranky this morning

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

So sorry

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

ㅤ

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Canada has crack?