So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
British websites use biscuits.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?