So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”