So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
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Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
cat vs inanimate object
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
New tinder profile pic
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]