So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.