so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
🤣😂🤣😂
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?