Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.