Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

yall want some gasoline milk

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”

“You should have asked for shaved ice.”

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

energy cannot be created nor destroyed