So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
me when i smell free food in the break room
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him