So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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i made a craigslist ad !
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”