Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

This trial is so absurd 😭

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them