@LeonEarlgrey

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

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@mostlysharks

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@unibrowbeater

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@Marlebean

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

@evilbart24

Uber driver: ……….

Me: ………..

Uber driver: …………

Me: ………….

Uber driver: ………….

Me: …………….

Uber driver: …………….

Me: ………………

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

@llvvzzz

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@BriarSly

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.