So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”