@mostlysharks
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
@LeonEarlgrey
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
You Might Also Like
@mostlysharks
@AbbieEvansXO
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
@unibrowbeater
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
@doktorj
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
@Marlebean
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
@robyn_vo
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
@evilbart24
Uber driver: ……….
Me: ………..
Uber driver: …………
Me: ………….
Uber driver: ………….
Me: …………….
Uber driver: …………….
Me: ………………
Uber driver: you have arrived
Me: 5 Stars
@llvvzzz
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
@leducviolet
Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
@BriarSly
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.