So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
You Might Also Like
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel