So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
No. YOU-buprofen.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper