Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

thanks auntie mary

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Mummies are just super modest zombies

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.