Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear